I am currently reading a book by - Joanna Weaver Having a Mary Spirit and came across this in one of her chapters. It was so powerful; I wanted to share it with you!
My Performance + Others’ Opinions = My Self Worth
Swallowing this lie caused me to live as though I held a
mirror in my hand. I held it up to other people and their response told me who
I was. If they smiled, I was a good person. If they frowned, I was bad. If
they welcomed me with their expression, I had value. But if they remained
detached or looked away, their disinterest wasn’t due to fatigue or a bad day.
No. I had obviously messed up and deserved their rejection. I had disappointed
them somehow, and made myself unworthy of their love.
And, as a result unworthily of God’s love as well.
Let me tell you, there is no more miserable, schizophrenic
way to live! For that particular mind-set pushes us not only to be what God
wants us to be, but also what everyone
else wants us to be, including everything I think they want me to be. A chronic
chameleon, I spend my life constantly changing colors and outfits in order to
fit whatever situation I find myself in. It’s exhausting. Futile. Hopeless!
Refusing to play the approval game – yet holding on to the
lie- can be just as destructive! Some of us, have failed and experienced the
pain of disapproval so often that we have given up and have withdrawn into a
shell of hurt, numbness or depression. Shame and regret from the past tell us
we will never be different, that we are incapable of changing. Fear of making a
mistake any keep us from trying anything at all.
Whether we respond with perfectionism or withdrawal or a
combination of the two, the results are just the same. We develop a “have to”
mentality toward life rather than a “want to”.
We settle for legalism instead of grace. We miss Christ’s joy and peace
in our pursuit of human approval and applause.
Worst of all, we may persist in viewing God as an aloof and
distant judge, holding up a scorecard to rate our every attempt to please Him,
rather than seeing Him as He truly is – a loving Father on bended knee with
hands outstretched and a smile as big as eternity. Praising our every step.
Picking us up when we stumble. Helping us walk while He teaches us how to run.
Ready with the acceptance and approval we have been killing ourselves to obtain
on our own.
